Buffalo, New York – On Monday a middle-aged dad of Buffalo, New York was admitted to rehab for his Fantasy Football addiction. It all started in the week leading up to Super Bowl LIX. It began with two burgers and ended in tragedy. 

The middle-aged dad and his neighbor were having a barbeque. They each were eating a burger. The neighbor brought up the upcoming Super Bowl and asked if the dad had chosen his Fantasy Football team for the week yet. He did and showed it to him. The neighbor looked at his team and told the dad that he was going to lose to him because the dad chose mostly players from the Kansas City Chiefs while the neighbor chose mostly players from the Philadelphia Eagles. At the time, the dad knew the neighbor was wrong. Little did he know, that would be a severe lapse of judgement.

After Super Bowl LIX, the neighbor bragged to the middle-aged dad that he had beat him in the last week of Fantasy Football for the year by a landslide. According to accounts from various bystanders, the dad was enraged. He knew he had to come up with a way to fix his reputation.

Over the summer, the middle-aged dad prepared for the upcoming season. He hung a string board in his room to develop the best strategy. He spent countless nights with no sleep, no food, no water, just staring at his string board of football players praying his plan would work. What was a game in the beginning was slowly becoming an addiction.

At the start of the football season, the middle-aged dad tried to use his strategy he spent the past seven months creating. He still lost to his neighbor each week. His neighbor even called him each week bragging about his win over him. The dad didn’t sleep for weeks. He stated, “Each time I tried to sleep, all I could hear was the ringing of my neighbor’s tormenting voice in my ears.” Instead of sleeping, he sat under his string board crying each night and praying to his altar of Travis Kelce. 

One morning, while doing his daily prayers at the altar, rehab officials came into his room. His wife had called them. She stated, “I couldn’t handle it anymore.” His children watched as he was dragged away screaming, “I did it for us! How could you do this to me! I couldn’t let him get away with it!” The wife covered the children’s eyes. The door slammed shut. His bellows were heard in the distance.

The neighbor was interviewed for us to understand his tormentuous tactics. He stated, “If they can’t handle the heat, they melt.”

Written By: Greigh Cloward