Washington, D.C. – On December 30th, President Donald Trump announced that he will be cancelling New Year’s. It was a ploy unexpected by the  Democratic party in an attempt to stay president forever. When asked to address the nation on his decision, he said that according to the words of Thomas Jefferson in the Constitution, “He can do that.” Adults on the streets of New York, some still in their children’s diapers, stood silent, waiting for further instructions on whether or not they should celebrate, work, or would ever be able to see a big ball slowly descend again.

The chaos seen in New York quickly spread throughout the entire country. Party supply and liquor stores were rushed with people holding blown up balloons, popped confetti, and empty champagne bottles, begging for free returns. The crowd back in New York, began a middle-school chant, repeating, “Slowly descend the ball!” Times Square officials said, “We’ll only proceed if approved by God.” Capitalism was truly ruined.

Meanwhile, at the White House, Trump was busy putting the finishing touches on his new permanent residence, installing a 12-foot tall throne as his new toilet and a diamond plated ladder to reach the handle. For the first time, a group of White House officials reviewed the Constitution and basic federal law of the United States and concluded, “He probably can’t actually do that. But we’ll let him.”

Written By: Greigh Cloward